they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
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Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Looking at you, Jesus.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”