You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year