modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.