Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*