*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
God has left this place
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Made a playlist for your weekend hike