When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
You Might Also Like
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.