[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Body by Oreos
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle