What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I only eat vegetarians.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Mountain Goat : )
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
titanic
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”