I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Easy enough.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes