Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Rt to bother an English speaker
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater