I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven鈥檛 had babies yet.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I鈥檓 done with the tire bullshit.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 馃槀
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My skin is so dry that I can鈥檛 tell if it鈥檚 kidding.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I鈥檓 going to launch my career as a burglar.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I鈥檒l scream
howdy. i鈥檓 a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i鈥檓 takin my hat off at it. real slow
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]