“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
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Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
You wish you had this many chins.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
🤣✨#caturday
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.