I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.