Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.