no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
You Might Also Like
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.