Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
*sewing*
A thread
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.