Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
plant them where lol
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.