I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’