To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.