Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash