Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Love is in the air fryer.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.