Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
You Might Also Like
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.