Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
At least try to make it slightly believable
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?