NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
We need to put an American base on the sun
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.