Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
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[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Mad Max Arctic Road
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”