I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
a fate I wish upon no one
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.