“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
How animals would run if they were human