Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
You Might Also Like
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING