Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place