listen closely
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SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Coffee is ready.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.