Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.