The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Why soy sad?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”