“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior