The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ken is short for chicken
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*