I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Raisins are grape jerky.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.