Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
dictator is short for richard potato
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Breaking news:
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*