When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Yup.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The funk soul brother
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people