Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”