[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Check out the legs on this baby
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.