Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello