Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
nyc:
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Respect
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.