If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser