I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
love it when they get my name right
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Childbirth is so beautiful
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO