Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account