The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
all that yoga finally paid off
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.