Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
They’re stuck in your pants?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.