Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
The news in a nutshell.
Stick it to the man
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
this post was so formative to me