DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The asteroid..
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?