The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
How do dragons blow out candles?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers