I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you